Live in Torment if You Don't
by evening spirit
Summary: Another take on post Season Finale AU. I'd like to believe this one is a bit . . . different. Steve finally crashes after being declared not-guilty of the murders of Laura Hills and Governor Jameson. Warning for mental health issues. FINAL CHAPTER.
1. Chapter 1

**Spoilers:** Set post Season 1 finale (heavy spoilers for _Oia'i'o_). Vague spoilers for the whole Season 1.  
><strong>Warning:<strong> mental breakdown*, some light cursing. Semi-happy ending.  
><strong>Disclimer:<strong>Not mine. I borrowed them and I broke them. Don't know if I'll return them fixed.

**Summary:** Another take on post _Oia'i'o_AU. I'd like to believe this one is a bit . . . different. Steve finally crashes after being declared not-guilty of the murders of Laura Hills and Governor Jameson.

**Thank you:** to the best Beta in the world, **bigj52** for her incessant patience with my bad grammar and punctuation, especially now that she's on vacation. Really I should be ashamed to even ask and she's awesome to always say, 'throw it at me'. Love you! I don't say that nearly enough.  
>- to <strong>mecurtin<strong> for a post that gave me the courage to pursue this idea and for alpha-reading the story for me and pointing out some issues. I still think my approach is too _OMG draaamatic_ but I couldn't tone it down. Perhaps I didn't really want to. I addressed something you mentioned but yeah, it was filtered through my experiences.  
>- and last but not least to <strong>anuminis<strong> for and amazing and inspiring banner she made for this sotry. Unfortunatelly FF doesn't support graphics but you can view it on my LiveJournal, or on AO3 (I'll post a complete story there later)

_  
>* <em>Brief reactive psychosis<em>is a short-term, time-limited disorder, sometimes caused by severe stress.

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><p>"<em>You may be deceived if you trust too much, <em>_but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough_"

~ Frank Crane

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><p><strong>LIVE IN TORMENT IF YOU DON'T<strong>

1.

"I don't trust him." Danny doesn't like the edge in Steve's voice; all sharp consonants and no vowels.

"Relax," he pleads when he himself is all but relaxed

"Don't you see?" Steve retorts and his words fall like from a machine gun. "Gordon was with Governor Jameson's office all along! He knows all the same people." His eyes keep darting around, like he wants to peer into the soul of every man and woman walking down the street. "Now he's Acting Governor, at least until the election. Who knows if he didn't have his part in all of this?"

"You can't suspect everybody," Danny says tiredly. He really doesn't want to be here, now, doing this. He looks into Steve's agitated eyes and he hates what he's about to tell him. "Maybe you should take a step back," he stalls, "take a break?" Damn it, the last few days were draining. Two sleepless nights and he knows for a fact, even though Steve had never openly admitted, that he'd been having trouble sleeping much longer. Danny would bet his collection of Bon Jovi records that nightmares began when those envelopes started appearing on his doorstep which - coincidentally - occurred almost exactly half-a-year after Jack McGarrett had been murdered.

The night before McGarrett broke into the Governor's mansion - against Danny's sound advice of course - and last night . . . At least Chin Ho Kelly, brilliant Chin Ho Kelly managed to recover Governor Jameson's confession because otherwise Steve would still be locked up and facing murder trial.

Instead, he is a free man and they've just left the Acting Governor's office where they learned that Mr. Andrew Gordon wants to reinstate the Five-0.

That brings Danny back to his own dilemma and he tries to pour some of it onto McGarrett.

"Don't you think about leaving?"

"Leaving?"

"Yeah." Danny shrugs and looks away. The sun is shining, the afternoon is warm. Here they stand in the parking lot before the Palace and the world still revolves on its axis like no disaster happened. "You don't have to run this task force," Danny speaks up and turns back to Steve, tries to meet his eyes. "Just. Take a moment, you know? Rethink your priorities. Don't you ever wonder about that? What you want from life? Maybe you'd want to go back to the Army, huh, Steven?" The joke falls flat. Steve only casts him a fleeting glance, like he grew a pair of fangs, then returns to scanning their surroundings as if they were in the immediate risk of being ambushed. Danny catches a brief shake of his head but he's not sure if it's a response to his question. Instead he glares at McGarrett's temple and is there more gray hair? He wants to touch but holds his hand down. "C'mon," he says because he has those qualms about that thing he hadn't yet mentioned. "I'm sure Chin Ho would deal with Five-0 splendidly, what with Kaye's help. And Gordon seems to want him in this position anyway." He shrugs and almost chuckles but then McGarrett's words make blood freeze in his veins.

"That's exactly why I can't leave," McGarrett snaps. His voice is not like his own, too harsh, too quick. "I don't trust him either."

"Who? Chin?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"He arrested me, Danny!"

"You know why he-"

"He cuffed me! Read me my rights!" Now Steve looks directly at Danny, leans down, invades Danny's personal space in his rage and Danny resists the temptation to take a step back. He looks into Steve's eyes and sees fire there, fever. "He betrayed me!" Steve seethes.

"He did that to protect you," Danny lays his hand on Steve's arm in an attempt to calm him down, ground him and Steve jerks away like he got burned, backs off, unsteady. God, he's like a live wire, all he needs is a plaque saying 'danger high voltage' attached to his forehead! "Steve, this was the best way to stay close to the investigation, to find something that would clear your name and he did-just-that. He found the recording, he-"

"He handcuffed me and read me my rights," Steve repeats as if that was all that mattered. He runs his hand through his hair then wipes his face.

Shit, Danny was so wrong to have this conversation now. He realizes he can't talk to McGarrett in his current state of mind; he can't try to persuade him, reason with him. He can't request a favor. He's been selfish, thinking only about what he needed, while McGarrett has truly been through Hell.

"C'mon," he attempts to pat Steve's arm again and stops short when he sees his friend stiffen. "You need to rest. You need to sleep, Steve, have a shower-" Danny shakes his head. "I'll take you home, okay? You'll eat something decent - and don't even try to tell me that you're not hungry because I know that you are - and you'll go to bed. Get in." He gestures for his car and goes for the driver's seat himself. Steve doesn't protest but when Danny reaches for the ignition he tenses up again and almost bolts out. The engine roars and Danny has the image of Laura Hill's car before his eyes. He knows what's going through McGarrett's exhausted brain. The man really, really needs to get some rest and Danny feels bad that he wanted to dump another bomb on him just moments ago.

He can't make himself stop missing his Monkey and Rachel, that's just not going to happen. He longs to see them again, to hold Gracie, hear her say 'Danno' but he's going to have to wait another day to book that plane ticket and fly away. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he'll ask for Steve's signature on his transfer back to New Jersey and then - he'll finally be home.

t.b.c**  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclimer:** Not mine. I borrowed them and I broke them. Don't know if I'll return them fixed.

**Thank you:** to **bigj52** for beta-reading, to **mecurtin** for inspiration and to **anuminis** for the banner [unavaliable on FF :( ].

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><p><strong>LIVE IN TORMENT IF YOU DON'T<strong>

2.

It's a rough night. Danny gets home - last night in this place, he can't believe it and he's so happy he could dance if he wasn't so exhausted - way after midnight. He hadn't slept the last couple of nights either, first - because he was babysitting McGarrett in Ninja Mode after his breaking into the Governor's Mansion, then - because he was babysitting McGarrett in jail. Well, not so much babysitting, as he and Chin were frantically searching for _anything_to save this idiot's ass. That for the last time too, Danny thinks and he's happy. He's not nostalgic or anything stupid like that. He hates McGarrett's antics and he sure as hell is not going to miss any of that shit.

Tonight? Tonight he babysat McGarrett yet again, this time in full-on Freakout Mode, searching the house three times before he finally snapped and yelled that McGarrett was _fuckin' hallucinating!_or something but he sure as hell did not hear whispers, steps, creaking, squeaking and water running upstairs. Shit, he's beat up.

In the end he manhandled McGarrett into his bed, nearly knocked him out with a blow to the jaw, fortunately thatmoron, idiot, poor worn-out friend of his crashed as soon as his head touched the pillow. Danny sat next to him for fifteen minutes, just watching him sleep and feeling like he had when Grace'd had chicken pox and had been running a 104 fever for what felt like three days straight and he'd sat there, cold washcloth in hand, wiping her arms and legs, because no medications had worked. When he started dozing off and mixing history long gone with the present day he decided that it'd be better to sleep in his own bed, because he was _not_ McGarrett's fuckin' _daddy_. He got into his car and came back here.

Now, Danny lies in his bed and he still doesn't sleep. Instead he worries. What if McGarrett wakes up and does something stupid? He looked and acted like he was suspicious of his own shadow plotting against him. If he had been unpredictable before, now he climbed to a whole new level of erratic and unhinged. This new Steve is not like the one Danny knows. A fearless Navy Seal, reliable leader, focused soldier.

Damn it, Danny feels guilty for leaving him and he hates himself for feeling guilty because he has a chance to go back home, to New Jersey, and he's not going to waste it because McGarrett chose to have his breakdown now! With that thought in mind he finally falls asleep.

In the morning he's the first one at the office, stubbornly refusing to go pick up McGarrett, even thought his 'partner's instinct' is screaming inside his head that he's making a mistake. Chin and Kono come in ten minutes later, Kono bitching that Chin used the money he'd borrowed from Markum to bail her out of jail.

"What was I supposed to do?" Chin spreads out his arms. "Watch you rot in jail? This way you can help us figure out how to get you out of this. The more of us are engaged here, the better for the cause. Am I wrong, Danny?" He leans on the table and Danny scratches his neck.

"About that . . ." he mutters. Looks up and sees Chin's raised brow. What about that? "Uh." He feels more and more like he's betraying his friends. "Rachel filed for a divorce with Stan and she took Grace . . . They are back in New Jersey already."

Chin and Kono both glare at him. Kono is the first one to voice what they both realize is the ultimate consequence of this conundrum. "You're going back home." Chin sets his jaw and doesn't say anything.

Jenna Kaye joins them in this awkward moment and starts talking even before she's fully through the door, like the conversation from last afternoon was not interrupted by the evening and good night's sleep and the morning and the traffic jam on Pali Highway.

"I've been thinking. The only thing they have on Kono is the testimony of that old lady, right? If we convinced her to revoke it, they wouldn't be able to prove anything- Where is McGarrett?" she takes a pause to inhale and look around. "What is going on?"

"McGarrett should be here now," Danny says and feels his stomach crunch.

"I wouldn't blame him if he chose to take the day off," replies Chin, voice soft, thoughtful, eyes trained on Kaye, obviously thinking about what she's said, not about his boss's absence.

Of course - he had only seen Steve briefly yesterday, before he was called off to Kono's preliminary hearing in court. Danny, on the contrary, spent the night chasing ghosts through McGarrett's house and his worry peeks up again.

"He would have called." He pulls out his cell to see if he has any messages. No, he doesn't. He hesitates to call McGarrett instead, but he doesn't need to. The source of his concern is right there.

"Hello everybody," his voice still sounds strange and Danny's head snaps up to watch him.

He feels as if a black hole has opened in his intestines and a vacuum is sucking out his guts when he realizes his worst fears were fully justified.

Steve is dishelved and those two words in one sentence grate like fingernails on the chalkboard. His hair is ruffled and too long; he should have cut it two weeks ago. His five o'clock shadow grew into a full-on beard now and it also looks . . . uncombed. He's wearing the same t-shirt he did yesterday, in jail, and Danny wants to tear it off him because . . . it fucking pains him to see Steve like that! At least he pulled on fresh cargo pants and button-up shirt, one of those he always wears loose and they look stylish but today it looks unkempt. He stands and walks like he's unsteady on his feet but desperately tries to compensate. The worst, though, are his eyes. They're blood-shot and shadows underneath make him look ghost-like.

Danny knows - Steve hadn't slept all night.

He should have stayed. Damn it, he should have stayed!

"What do we have?" Steve grunts and clears his throat.

He doesn't look at anyone and they, in turn, exchange worried glances. Danny, who had never had problems with finding the right words and a few wrong ones in addition, is speechless.

"Listen, boss," Chin takes over then and Steve immediately glares up, his gaze wild, dissecting. Chin jerks as if physically punched. "You didn't have to come today," he adds anyway. He's only concerned after all, he doesn't mean anything despicable. He doesn't understand this reaction. "You could have taken the day off," he finishes in a flat voice.

Danny can see gears turning in McGarrett's head; suspicions borne out of progressing paranoia - how innocent friendly concern turns and twists until it becomes a desire to get rid of him, to work behind his back while he's on a time-out. He cannot afford to rest. Danny remembers Steve's words from last night - 'I can't leave; I don't trust Chin.' He wishes he had warned them, he wishes they'd know what to say and, more importantly, what _not_to say, because one wrongly placed comment may trigger an avalanche. He knows that now; he hadn't thirty seconds ago and that's only a lame excuse.

"Yeah," Kono sides with her cousin and Danny recognizes it for the mistake it is. "No one would hold it against you."

The look Steve gives Kono convinces Danny that it's up to him to diffuse the situation and it's best if he does it right the fuck now.

"Actually that's not true," he tries, "Your place is here with Five-0, because we have a problem that we all need to look into." He attempts to glare at Kono, so she'd get his subliminal message. "You don't just back out on your friends-" But both Kono and McGarrett ignore him altogether.

"You're out," Steve measures Kono up, eyes narrowed as he states the obvious.

Kono nods. "Chin bailed me out."

"Of course he did. _Ohana_, right?"

They are all kind of stupefied by Steve's sneer. It's like he took the word everyone associates with all things good and warm and fuzzy and used it as an insult. Kono looks at Chin and shrugs. Chin's frown says he doesn't appreciate Steve's rudeness.

Danny, on the other hand is certain that McGarrett now believes they're both against him. Even though the pretense they're not could hold up for long; everyone knows the cousins support each other. He shakes his head and opens his mouth but Chin jumps in before him.

"Yeah, _ohana_," he quips from under furrowed brow and then his face changes because he still has priorities other than Steve McGarrett's shenanigans - his primary one being, of course, Kono. "You know, actually . . ." he turns to Kaye like she discovered sliced bread. "You may be right." Danny thinks, no, no, no, not a good idea to add Kaye to the mix right now, whatever the reason. She's the last one Steve hasn't yet thrown into one bucket with Chin Ho Kelly, Wo Fat, old Governor, new Governor and half of the rest of the world. On top of that Chin still thinks that he can show Steve the logic of it all as he starts explaining. "She said that we should convince the old lady not to testify against Kono. I think we might try. She's a local, I'm sure she'd understand if I told her why Kono did it."

"For my _ohana_," Kono follows up immediately whereas Steve fails to get the gist.

"Exactly." Chin doesn't read Steve's expression like it should be read - suspicious, distrustful - and he's relieved, hopeful again. He smiles probably for the first time in two days. "And by the way, Danny," he adds sincerely. "I understand you too. I really do."

Now that's a disaster! Danny rapidly shakes his head and mouths 'shut up!' but it's too late. The words are out and all Steve's senses are poised on finding threats, secrets and plots against him. He straightens up and is staring at Danny and Danny feels like he's on a school stage in fourth grade when he forgot to learn his lines. All lights are on him and he stands there, gaping.

The problem is, in the last minute or so he did a one-eighty with regards to his plans. He has to put his trip away, a few more days maybe, because Steve right now . . .

"Understand what?" Steve stands tall, arms folded on his chest and glares at Danny down his nose.

Danny's tongue remembers what purpose it serves. "Nothing," he lies and immediately regrets it because Steve can see through a lie like x-rays through the flesh. "Alright, not nothing-nothing but it's not important, okay? It doesn't matter." He waves his hands, it's what he always does but now it seems to put Steve even more on edge. His nostrils flare, his breathing quickens. Danny tries to calm down. Truth, he has to tell the truth. "Rachel took Grace back to New Jersey. She's divorcing Stan." Steve's face changes so rapidly Danny can't catch up with all the emotions. Surprise, anger, fear? Confusion? And then all emotions are gone.

"So . . ." Steve swallows before he can continue. "You want to leave."

"I wanted to, yes." Danny nods. "Now I don't."

"That's great," Steve smiles and adds like he didn't hear Danny at all. "That's what you've always wanted."

"Listen," Danny tries again. "It can wait a couple of days. At least . . . until Kono's situation is clear." He doesn't want to make Steve feel like he's making a sacrifice for his sake. Not that it matters; Steve looks like he's not with them anymore. His lips are still smiling but his eyes scream terror. His breathing is too fast, too deep and too hitched. "Steve . . ." Danny tries but it's too late.

It all comes crashing down as Steve pales and droplets of sweat cover his face. He reaches to his chest, then his throat. He gasps and wheezes and begins to slide down the side of the table.

It's instinct. It's the need to come to the aid of those he cares about and Danny forgets how Steve reacted to touching yesterday. He grabs his arms and tries to say something that would help Steve get over the torment he's in and in-a-blink-of-an-eye, have-no-idea-how, shit-that's-fucked-up, he finds himself pinned to the table, Steve's hard body pressing against him and something cold pressing against the base of his skull.

A barrel of a gun, Danny thinks with clarity he wouldn't expect of himself in a situation like this.

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><p>t.b.c.<p>

Comments are *love*


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclimer:**Not mine. I borrowed them and I broke them. Don't know if I'll return them fixed.

**A/N:** This chapter is about last night from Steve's perspective. How he got to the point where he put a gun to Danny's head. Don't expect anything rational here. Warning:stream of consciousness. Not very coherent consciousness.

**Thank you:** to **bigj52** for beta-reading, to **mecurtin** for inspiration and to **anuminis** for amazing banner

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><p><strong>LIVE IN TORMENT IF YOU DON'T<strong>

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><p>3.<p>

Someone's out to get him. They hide, they sneak from behind when he lets his guard down, so he needs to stay vigilant at all times. Listen. Watch. Smell and feel the change of air currents on his skin. He can't let them close, he once did and he won't make that mistake again.

The gun in his hand is solid, tangible, a touchstone of reality. Beyond that he doesn't know. He could swear Danny was with him and he can still sense his partner's presence but he can't see him. He can hear him yell, "I don't know! Maybe you're fuckin' hallucinating!" but he can't get him to understand. Or explain. Understand or explain? Maybe both?

What if he _is_hallucinating? What if his brain has finally bailed on him? He laughs and the sound wakes him, makes the coldness of the air even colder and the darkness enveloping him even darker. He's suddenly aware that he squats on the floor, his back against . . . check . . . wooden siding wall, same wall on his right, a bureau on his left. He's in the corner of a room, hiding.

He holds a gun in his hand and that's his safety assurance, because if there's someone in the house, he's going to shoot them. He won't let them get close. Not this time. His heart is pounding. He tries to look around. Peek through the wide door frame to the other room. It's pitch dark but he can make out a cabinet, a photograph of a few police officers on it . . .

_Bright-red blood streaks down the wall . . ._

He's on his feet in a blink of an eye when he hears shots fired. _No!_And silence.

Who's there?

Someone was sitting at the desk but there is no one now.

The envelopes lay scattered on the floor. Envelopes over envelopes, under envelopes, all of them with the same non-slanted 'Steve McGarrett' written in black ink, complete with distinct loops and upstrokes. They make him dizzy. They make him see Laura Hills's burned corpse.

So many burned corpses. A trap-mine in Kandahar, an ambush in Mosul, in Pohang. Some nameless village.

He'd never seen his father's corpse . . .

He stumbles through the French door out to the porch and is slammed in the face with a fresh, salty breeze from the ocean. Gravel bites at his knees and the inside of his palms and he grabs, squeezes, squeezes hard until they bleed.

This. Makes reality more real. He's home, it's the middle of the night and Danny told him to sleep. He won't though, he fears that someone will come to get him. Damn it, he knows what's going on, he had seen it happen enough times. From the outside. A breakdown, shock, you name it. He should get out of the house, he should at least get help. Call Danny to come and help.

Funny thing is now that he can think clearly, at least to some extent, he can't bring his body to move. It feels like his limbs are immersed in mud, sharp edges of tiny stones stinging his cheek and forehead and he feels his naked arms and back roll on the gravel bed and he _feels_; he concentrates on the physical experience of pain because it gives him the ability to concentrate on the _now_ and the _real_ and the _purpose_. Get help. Get the phone. Get out of the house.

There's someone in the house and they're out to get him.

Steve grabs his gun and scrambles to his feet. The house in the moonlight sways and floats, the line of the balcony skewed, tilted to one side. There's someone in the house.

He can't get in through the door. He has to sneak in some other way, so he holsters his gun, his safety assurance, and climbs up the pole to the balcony. Plasters himself to the thin patch of wood between the windows, gun held in both hands pressed against his chest. His heart is pounding. He steals a look inside the bedroom and is convinced he sees a movement. Shadows are pointing their fingers at him and laughing.

He breathes in through his nose once, sharply, and pushes the door open; aims his gun at the perpetrator. No one. The room is empty. Corners - check, under the bed - check, the closet - check. He should get dressed. He was going to_get out of the house_and it is safer to waste a moment to find comfortable pants and shoes - shoes are important, he remembers a lesson, his feet bleeding. It takes a moment to tie the disobedient laces; his fingers feel not his own, alien. The car keys are downstairs.

As he leaves the bedroom he hears the stairs creaking. Soft thump-thump on the steps. He backs out, closes the door firmly behind him and leans his forehead against them. Not this way.

The window. He spins and the room floats and sheets on the bed move . . .

Shit!

Shreds of fabric fly up and Steve touches but he doesn't feel any blood, any warm body. Nothing but a blanket, pillows, nothing. Nothing!

The shot must have alerted the others though and there's no time. He's on the balcony in a heartbeat and leaning over the rail. Final glance behind - no one, but he feels their breath on his neck - and he takes a plunge.

The ground must have been closer than he estimated because he hits it hard, unprepared, and it kicks the air from his lungs leaving him momentarily breathless. Momentarily reasoning that he's so far out of his wits that he may never find the way back. Danny. He has to find Danny because Danny has the road signs.

Up, up on his feet again and in a minute Steve's in his truck and out on the street, speeding alongside the ocean. The palm trees on the side of the road pass him by, houses immersed in the darkness before dawn. He can breathe again, he tries to relax but that is beyond his abilities so he tries to find another grip on reality. He's going somewhere. No destination, no purpose and he needed to find the purpose. He needed something that would keep him _in_. In his head, in his life.

A lifeline. A purpose to keep going. Like Danny has Grace . . .

It's a strange thought to have right now but Steve knows very well why his mind paraded the smiling angel before his eyes.

He turns around and heads for Danny's house. In all this haze the thought of his partner was the only constant. His face, illuminated by blue blinking light, his words, "Listen to me, I'm gonna get you out of this thing, don't worry." Danny's presence with him all night - now he remembers! - he's the only reason Steve was not slain in his own bed by Wo Fat's men.

When he steps out of the car it's morning, the sun is high and hurts his eyes. Danny's place is locked, Danny gone. Steve leans on the hood of his car, exhausted. He feels that he can't take this chase much longer, he's tempted to opt out. But no, not yet. One more try.

He's in Headquarters in five seconds, even though it usually takes at least ten minutes to drive there from Danny's apartment. It's like the universe just folded and spat him on the other side of a wormhole. Steve leaves his truck, not paying any attention to where it stands and ignores some moron blaring his horn and cursing.

Coming through the door he sees Chin Ho Kelly and his stomach drops. He forgot. Chin Ho Kelly works with Wo Fat now. The others are there too, Kono, Kaye . . . and he doesn't know where their loyalities lay.

And then he sees Danny and he remembers - lifeline. No choice.

He has to step through the threshold and tell Danny that his reason has checked out. First though, he needs to get rid of all the others, he doesn't trust them. He only trusts Danny.

"Rachel took Grace to New Jersey."

Danny says.

And just like that all purpose is gone, because he won't stand between his partner and his partner's lifeline. His body keeps on rolling, mouth mouthing words, sound carried on his breath but Danny is walking away . . . backwards, in a long, narrow corridor . . . and Steve wants to reach through it but he can't . . . his hands don't belong to him . . .

and what's happening with the air . . .

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><p>t.b.c<p>

Coments are *love* **  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclimer: **Not mine. I borrowed them and I broke them. Don't know if I'll return them fixed.

**Thank you: **to **bigj52** for beta-reading, to **mecurtin** for inspiration and to **anuminis** for the banner (should be avaliable to see on AO3 shortly - link to my Archive in Profile):

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><p><strong>LIVE IN TORMENT IF YOU DON'T<strong>

4.

"Steve?" Chin feels tight claws of trepidation grip at his intestines as he sees McGarrett reach to his throat, lean against the table and start to slide down. As he hears him gasp for breath. "Steve!"

Kono dials 911 in the background and Danny is by Steve's side. Chin reaches out to loosen the shirt around Steve's neck but Danny pushes his hands away, screaming something absurd, like, "You're scaring him, let go!"

He only wants to help, why can't he help his friend?

"Steve, it's okay. It's me, it's Danny," Danny keeps repeating but it's not doing any good. Steve's still breathing like a fish out of water and now he's batting at Danny's hands and then, in the blink of an eye he's on his feet, Danny pulled up with him and pinned to the table, a gun poised at his head.

"Stay away from me!" Steve yells, his face not his own from fear and madness. "What do you want? Who sent you? You hear me, who sent you?"

"Steve!" Chin attempts to get his attention away from Danny but all he earns is another gun aiming at his chest now; that one straight from Danny's holster. The one at Danny's head stays in position and Steve bodily holds Danny down.

"Nobody moves," Steve seethes.

Chin raises his hands.

"I'm unarmed," he says.

"Like I believe that. Take out your weapon and put it down on the floor. All of you!"

Chin does as he's told; he unbuckles both his guns and gestures for Kono to give up the knife too.

"Steve, it's Danny you're holding down," he says like it could make any difference and, surprisingly, it does.

Steve glances down and skitters away from the table like he got burned.

"What are you doing here?" he breathes out.

Danny turns around and Chin can see he's trembling all over, hands held high.

"I'm sta- staying," he stutters. "Not going anywhere. Steve, please, put those guns down."

Steve looks at the pistols in his hands and shakes his head.

"I can't."

"Do you trust me?" Danny pleads, begs for Steve to understand. He takes a step forward and Steve raises his Sig a notch. Chin almost jumps at him but he thinks, Danny knows what he's doing. Danny knows what's going on. Chin has no idea what's going on. "Steve, you trust me. I was by your side all this time. I never wavered. All I wanted was to be with my family but I decided to stay a little while longer." He takes a small step, hesitates. Watches Steve, eyes wide open, adrenaline flooding his veins like a tsunami. Steve's pistol is still unfalteringly aimed at his head but he inches even closer, gaze locked with the man, ignoring the metallic eye of the barrel. "I decided to stay until you sort this all out, okay? We need to find out who Wo Fat managed to turn against you, you know." He lowers his voice to a whisper, like he's sharing a secret with Steve and Steve nods. "But we need to be very careful." Chin hears the ambulance siren in the distance and he prays that the sound does not spook Steve all over again. Danny is almost there he raises his hand to take the gun down. Slowly. "We need to plan our every step, Steve. I know how to uncover them but it will take some time. It won't happen overnight but we'll get them all. We'll get them all," he lowers the gun and takes it from Steve's slack fingers, "and they will pay." He holds Steve's gaze and holds the gun out. Kaye, who's nearest, moves closer to take it, while Danny disentangles Steve's fingers from the other gun. This one lands in Chin's palm and then Danny grabs Steve and holds him close like he would hold Grace. "They will all pay," he whispers into Steve's hair and Steve crumbles like a house of cards. His knees buckle, his hands fall and in a moment he's a puddle of clothes and messy sobs on the floor, Danny still holding him tight as if afraid that his friend would dissolve completely if he didn't.

Paramedics come in thirty seconds later and even though Five-0 didn't exchange a word in the meantime, their recollection of the events is startlingly consistent. Steve had a panic attack. He had trouble breathing. They managed to get him to calm down a little but - that's from Danny - it might be good if he got a shot of tranquilizer or something.

There's no mention of guns. Chin had already stashed them away.

5.

Half an hour later, watching Steve sleep on the couch in his office, Danny wonders if he made the right choice. The paramedics wanted to take Steve to the hospital for a check-up but Danny refused. Steve was already almost out from the sedative and even before he didn't act like someone who could fully comprehend the situation, so Danny took it upon himself to make decisions. After all he's still listed as his partner's ICE.

"He's a danger to himself and others, you know," Chin says softly from the door.

Danny nods. He has a brochure on panic disorder in his hands, address and telephone number of the Naval psychiatrist specializing in PTSD they'd interviewed a few months ago on a case. He doesn't know if whatever's happening with Steve is actually PTSD, what with the time between the last, however undoubtedly _very_traumatic event, closing in on nine months. Unless he started experiencing symptoms earlier and nobody noticed. Danny could bang his head through the wall if that was the case. One thing he knows for sure right now - it's that a good night's sleep won't solve anything.

It's what the paramedic said that forced him to open his eyes. She didn't know about McGarrett's family history but she guessed he was a former Navy officer from his tattoos. She said panic attack was one of the symptoms of PTSD, along with nightmares, flashbacks or hyper vigilance. She said that PTSD is a more common occurrence in veterans than is widely recognized.

Steve had been at _war_, Danny thinks as if it's a news flash. He doesn't talk about it but he's a _war veteran_, on top of all the events of the past year. The last few days were only the proverbial 'final straw'. Alright then, they are gonna follow up on that but . . .

"I can't let him be locked up in a mental hospital!" He springs to his feet and starts pacing, running his hand through his hair, ruffling it. "It would destroy him."

Chin glances at Steve's prone form, slack face.

"You're probably right." Neither of them can imagine their boss defeated, helpless. "But sometimes you have to crash and burn to be born again, you know?"

"Okay. Okay, but we can help him get through this, right? We can at least try!" Danny pleads and Chin nods. Behind his back Danny sees Kono and Kaye exchange glances and nod at each other as well. "We'll get him to a doctor, we'll watch over him and . . . All. If that's not enough . . ." He doesn't want to go there. "We'll cross that bridge when time's due. For now . . . "

All Steve needs is his family, Danny clings to that thought. And his family is right here, want it or not.

As for Danny's family, he's going to have to convince Rachel to come back to Hawaii. Boy, will she be surprised.

* * *

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**A/N: **Thank you for reading. Those who reviewed - thank you ten-folds. I'm toying with an option of turning it into a verse but I don't really know if I'm up to such a challenge. Right now I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. Writing about stuff like this does it to me, lol. I'd sincerely appreciate a few soul-lifting words.

You know what they say: **comments are *love* :)  
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